This article was last modified on March 29, 2006.


The End of An Era: Ronald Reagan

In the past week, both Caspar Weinberger and Lyn Nofziger have pass on. Which gave me two thoughts: one, would we see a trifecta? And two, is the Reagan era finally drawing to a close?

In my opinion, the Reagan decade was one of the worst times both politically and economically for this country. Some people have gone on to say how wonderful Reagan was, pushing to have his face put on dimes and other such nonsense. As if he actually accomplished anything in his eight years. Raising the national debt, increasing terrorism worldly, relying on psychics and having the last years of his presidency possibly being influenced by Alzheimer’s Disease. This is not what I would call a joyous celebration of the American spirit.

And so, I have created a list of Reagan Administration members and other people associated with Reagan’s era, in the hopes that they will pass on and fade away from our memories. I am not asking anyone to hurry up their demise, so if you’re the Secret Cervix, please don’t visit me. I have the utmost respect for all world leaders — I just wish some had never existed. Without further ado, the list:

The Reagan Era Roster

1. Ronald Reagan (1911-2004), 40th President. Endorsed arming revolutionaries and a trickle-down economy on the belief that giving rich people more money would cause them to spend more. Ate a lot of jelly beans. The Gipper. Tripled the national debt. Ignored the AIDS epidemic. Wanted to put weapons in space.

2. Nancy Reagan (1921-), the First Lady. One time she sat on Mr. T’s lap. Became more liberal in her later years, endorsing stem cell research.

3. George Herbert Walker Bush (1924-), Vice President. Went on to become president himself and also had a son who was president. His misdeeds deserve their own article. In his defense, he does raise money for world disasters now.

4. Alexander Haig (1924-), First Secretary of State. Other than once working under Henry Kissinger, he’s not that bad of a guy.

5. George P. Schultz (1920-), Second Secretary of State. Schultz was against trading weapons for hostages. However, he was for invading Nicaragua. He was against the war on drugs, but was an adviser for George W. Bush. So, it’s really a horse a piece with this guy.

6. Donald Regan (1918-2003), First Secretary of the Treasury and a White House Chief of Staff. Pushed Reaganomics, tax cuts and was involved in Iran-Contra. Was probably more of a lost puppy than a total jerk, but he’s dead now anyway.

7. James Baker (1930-), Second Secretary of the Treasury and a White House Chief of Staff. Baker had bee nwith George Bush since 1970 and continued on into the 1990s. Even as late as 2006, he was still involved with the Carlyle Group and remained a friend and adviser to the Bush family. It is hard to say specifically what nastiness he might have done, but Baker seems to be connected to enough of the wrong people to have done his fair share of that nastiness.

8. Nicholas Brady (1930-), Third Secretary of the Treasury. Whiling Brady was involved in a dozen banking projects and has been on the board of a number of companies (including Heinz), he seems alright. Being on the Council on Foreign Relations is usally a bad sign, but maybe not in this case.

9. Caspar Weinberger (1917-2006), First Secretary of Defense. Was involved in Iran-Contra. Later pardoned by President Bush. Also was alluded to in a Bloom County comic strip.

10. Frank Carlucci (1930-), Second Secretary of Defense. Used to be a CIA operative and went to the Congo, where he might have assassinated Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba. Carlucci was a roommate at Princeton with Caspar Weinberger and Donald Rumsfeld, two other Secretaries of Defense. Strange, no? If you believe in conspiracy theories, Carlucci is your man — involved in Wackenhut, the Carlyle Group, the Project for a New American Century, Yakuza (Japanese mafia), and the RAND Corporation, on top of being a CIA guy, of course.

11. William Smith (1917-1990), First Attorney General. Dead… and not much else to say.

12. Edwin Meese (1931-), Second Attorney General. Probably best known for his opinions on pornography… such as banning Penthouse and Playboy from stores. Also a member of the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank. Oh, and he promotes Intelligent Design, as well, because he’s a moron.

13. Richard Thornburgh (1932-), Third Attorney General. While governor of Pennsylvania, the Three Mile Island nuclear meltdown occurred. May or may not have watched the movie “Barely Legal III”… and if not, he promises he will.

14. James Watt (1938-), First Secretary of the Interior. Extremely Christian (“My responsibility is to follow the Scriptures which call upon us to occupy the land until Jesus returns.”), banning the Beach Boys from performing because their style of rock was undesirable. Refused to say Democrats/Republicans, but preferred liberals/Americans. He described his staff as follows: “We have every mixture you can have. I have a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple. And we have talent.” I suspect this guy will not live to see the day Jesus returns.

15. William Clark (1931-), Second Secretary of the Interior and National Security Advisor. Not much to say about this guy other than that he thought he was cool, walking into the President’s office unannounced. Good thing he didn’t work for Clinton.

16. Donald Hodel (1935-), Third Secretary of the Interior and Secretary of Energy. His political career is unremarkable, but he later was president of Focus on the Family (currently headed by James Dobson), so we can assume he was a religious nut. Also, he may or may not have wanted to destroy Yosemite National Park.

17. Malcolm Baldrige (1922-1987), First Secretary of Commerce. Was a cowboy and rodeo man, so I’m sure that made his personal conversations with Reagan very fun. Dead.

18. William Verity (1917-), Second Secretary of Commerce. Has a family business in the steel industry. Otherwise, doesn’t see mtoo exciting of a man.

19. Raymond Donovan (1930-), First Secretary of Labor. HAd a degree in philosophy, but it must have been bad philosophy. He was later charged with larceny and fraud, and his reputation was flushed down the crapper. He still exists somewhere, however.

20. William Brock (1930-), Second Secretary of Labor. Beat Al Gore’s dad in an election. Used to be a Democrat before jumping ship. Probably cheated on his taxes. Family owns a candy business, which is probably totally sweet.

21. Ann McLaughlin (???), Third Secretary of Labor. Don’t know much about her, but she serves on the board at Microsoft and her husband is an ambassador to Belgium. Not really a big threat, probably.

22. John Block (1935-), First Secretary of Agriculture. Born in a house with no electricity, he seems like a good choice for agriculture. Served on the board of John Deere.

23. Richard Lyng (1918-2003), Second Secretary of Agriculture. Sold seeds, and then he died from Parkinson’s.

24. Richard Schweiker (1926-), First Secretary of HHS. Graduated Phi Beta Kappa and was moderate-liberal. Was probably out of place in the White House. When he left his position as Senator of Pennsylvania to become HHS, Arlen Specter took over for him and has been there ever since.

25. Margaret Heckler (1931-), Second Secretary of HHS. Was moderate-liberal, but not enough to please NOW. Went through a high=profiel divorce and loved to dress up for the cameras. Was later ambassador to Ireland, is that a promotion?

26. Otis Bowen (1918-), Third Secretary of HHS. Other than being a distant cousin of George W. Bush and being a Freemason, this guy seems alright. Reagan seems to have enjoyed putting respectable people in the HHS.

27. Terrell Bell (1921-), First Secretary of Education. Was put in Education to dismantle the department. This, luckily, never happened. Although, there were many later Secretaries who were awful in education (Bennett, Spellings) so what do I know?

28. William Bennett (1943-), Second Secretary of Education. Also later a Drug Czar. Compulsice gambler who has lost millions of dollars. Now probably known for his commnets about how aborting black babies would lower the crime rate. Though, I think he was misinterpreted and I don’t hold this against him.

29. Lauro Cavales (1927-), Third Secretary of Education. The first Hispanic ever in the Cabinet. Used travel funds inappropriately. Otherwise, could have been a swell guy.

30. Samuel Pierce (1922-2000), Secretary of HUD. Pierce actually survived the entire Reagan Administration. Didn’t do much else, I guess. Was black, although that might not mean anything. He’s dead now.

31. Drew Lewis (1931-), First Secretary of Transportation. Has had high-ranking positions with American Express, Union Pacific and Ford Motor. As a secretary, wasn’t overly exciting.

32. Elizabeth Dole (1936-), Second Secretary of Transportation. Today’s youth know her mostly as the wife of that guy with the bum arm who takes Viagra and can’t be president because he speaks in third person. She was pretty decent, though, I guess. She increased highway safety by requiring extra brake lights on cars. She ran for President in 2000, but it was a bad idea.

33. James Burnley (1948-), Third Secretary of Transportation. A lawyer and lobbyist for the airline industry. Most notable thing about Burnley is that he’s considerably younger than most of the other people on Reagan’s staff.

34. James Edwards (1927-), First Secretary of Energy. Never did anything in his life worth commenting on.

35. John Herrington (???), Second Secretary of Energy. Nobody knows a damn thing about this guy. He probably existed, but does he still exist?

36. Lyn Nofziger (1924-2006), White House Press Secretary. Worked with Reagan since 1966, and also was close to Nixon. May have illegally lobbied for the company Wedtech. Dead.

37. Sandra Day O’Connor (1930-), Supreme Court Justice. O’Connor was actually known as the justice that would tip cases one way or the other. So at least she wasn’t as much of a jerkoff as Scalia.

38. Antonin Scalia (1936-), Supreme Court Justice. Very right-wing justice, possibly pure evil. Sicilian, so you don’t want to go against him when death is on the line.

39. Anthony Kennedy (1936-), Supreme Court Justice. While the name “Kennedy” implies liberal, he’s more of a moderate. Though he does support abortion, gay rights and is against the death penalty. So he’s still not Scalia.

40. James Brady (1940-), White House Press Secretary. Probably best known for getting shot by Hinckley. This, of course, led to the Brady Bill.

Also try another article under Political
or another one of the writings of Gavin.

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