This morning I was really revved up for some reason and all I could think about were pirates, ninjas and how to make movies. And I determined pirates today are so much better than pirates of yesteryear.
1. Being a pirate takes commitment. Back in the day, all you had to do was say “fuck this candle-making bullshit” and go down to the shipyards, where a pirate cap’n would be waiting for recruits. In exchange for mopping his deck, he would give you food, clothes and a share of the treasure. Talk about your hand-outs! It’s not so simple anymore. Today being a pirate, you really have to be determined. You have to find one, convince him to let you on the ship. And you’re not gonna be pampered. You don’t get to sleep in on Saturdays or go to the mall — you’ll have to work.
2. The treasure is better. Back then, you might steal people’s candlesticks or other fine objects. But who really had “treasure” on board? You’d mostly find the same stupid junk you were trying to escape in the first place. Now you could find a shipment of Playstations or Gameboys and some really nice clothes. Or other fun things. And today, unlike back then, you might find a shipment of 2-ply toilet paper. And this would be really exciting, because I bet pirates care a lot about anal hygiene. Seriously. Cuz when you’re o nthe high seas an you have to squat over the edge or whatever, you might not always have the best material to clean yourself with. So the 2-ply toilet paper would be like cigarettes in prison. You don’t want a rash in your butt in the middle of the Atlantic.
3. The surprise is more fun. Back in those days, people expected pirates because Bluebeard and One-Eyed Willie and Shaky-Legs McClure would be everywhere. Even the Dread Pirate Roberts didn’t remain anonymous for long. If you pulled alongside a ship, the captain of that ship would be like “good heavens!”, but would then look in his boat-owner’s manual for troubleshooting tips on pirates. Next thing you know, he handles the situation appropriately and everyone goes on their merry way. But not anymore! Think about it. A cruise ship is out there with Kathie Lee Gifford and shuffleboard and some fat drunks, and then you and your pirate crew pull up alongside them. They’d all be like “holy crap! pirates! wait a second… pirates still exist?” And before they even begin reacting, you’ve already looted the mini-bars and stole the shuffleboard puck to really piss them off. Once you’ve safely escaped, they’ll be like, “pirates. weird.” But will probably be so stunned that they forget to call for help.
4. Pirates today have courage. Old pirates would have to fight off Quakers and Puritans and wussy men in wigs. The only time a real fight happened is if they ever found another pirate and they had to shoot each other with cannons. But this could probably be averted by trading your pirate whores wth their pirate whores so you both get a little variety. Today the Coast Guard and other ships are out patrolling. And they don’t like it when they see pirates. So unless you can fight off a nuclear torpedo, you’re pretty screwed. You have to give modern pirates credit.
5. Cooler hiding places. Sure, pirates used to have cool hiding places like Treasure Island and Monkey Island, but they weren’t really secret. Today’s lairs are so much better. Tell me where a pirate is, any pirate. You can’t. Because they have perfected the art of finding the coolest, most secret lair. And who knows what crazy gear they have in there? I bet they have trampolines and Jarts and other things your parents never let you have as a child.
Pirates today are so much cooler than pirates of yesteryear.