Note: While all the information provided in this document is completely factual, the conclusions drawn are intended for humor value and are not to be taken seriously. The author apologizes if the subject matter is found offensive, and also apologizes to the celebrities mentioned within this document, regardless of how washed up their careers might be.
Think the Twin Towers fell on 9/11 simply because of Islamic fundamentalists? What if you were told that a bigger conspiracy existed; one that involved Vince Neil, David Hasselhoff, and Pamela Anderson’s breasts? You wouldn’t believe me, I know. But the facts are there. And I can lay them out so plain as day you will be unable to deny that Vince Neil, although completely unknowingly, helped unleash the terror upon New York that fateful day in 2001.
The Cold War
Following World War II, the relationship between the United States and Russia went in a very negative direction. Rather than joining together as they did to defeat Nazi Germany, the two nations split on ideological grounds (capitalism versus soviet communism). One of the key elements of the Cold War was the Berlin Wall in Germany, dividing both the city and the country in two – a Soviet side and a democratic side.
Making a long story short, the Cold War continued on for decades. Both sides had an arms race, where nuclear weapons became stockpiled. The United States engaged in two major wars – the Korean War and the Vietnam War – to stop the spread of soviet communism. Both of these wars ultimately failed, as communism persisted in Russia, Vietnam and Korea. The United States also employed CIA agents to overthrow governments in South America if their was a threat that the nation might be leaning too much to the left. Most notably was the CIA’s role in helping Augusto Pinochet assassinate Salvador Allende in Chile, creating a violent military dictatorship (which was somehow seen as better than a freely elected liberal).
Vince Neil and Motley Crue
Vince Neil joined Motley Crue in 1981. The other members of the band had been involved in prior projects and tried multipel times to get Nei lto join them as the lead singer and frontman. While he refused the first time, he agreed later when drummer Tommy Lee – who he knew in high school – asked him.
Motley Crue became one of the most successful bands of the 1980s, releasing such memorable hits as “Shout at the Devil” and “Dr. Feelgood”. Their fame was also due to their incredible drug and alcohol binges, and this wild lifestyle led two band members to marry stars of “Baywatch” (more on this shortly) and Vince Neil himself to marry a former Playboy centerfold.
The arabic word “mujahideen” can be translated as either “holy warrior” or “struggler”. Most widely known in the United States is the group of mujahideen who fought in Afghanistan from 1979 until 1989, against Soviet invasion. On the other side of the world, these warriors were completely unaware of Motley Crue’s success. They probably also never knew they were featured in the film “Rambo III”.
The Afghans were financed by the United States and given weapons and training to help fight the Soviets. The United States was fighting Russia without having to be directly involved. This allowed the cold war to continue without becoming a hot war (which would lead to direct Soviet-American battles and possible nuclear war).
According to the Wikipedia, a “wealthy Saudi named Osama bin Laden was a prominent mujahideen organizer and financier; … [funnelling] money, arms, and Muslim fighters from around the world into Afghanistan, with the assistance and support of the American, Pakistani, and Saudi governments.” Bin Laden left this group in 1988. However, not before he became well-versed in military tactics learned from the United States.
Pamela Anderson had many brushes with fame in her early life (including being Canada’s “Centennial Baby”), but finally broke into modeling in 1989 after being discovered at a football game wearing a Labatt beer t-shirt. Anderson was famous for her role on the television show “Home Improvement” and even more famous for playing a lifeguard on “Baywatch” from 1992-1997.
Her role on “Baywatch” no doubt lead her to marry Tommy Lee, drummer for the rock band Motley Crue (which had by this time become basically a group of has-beens). The couple were married in 1995 after only knowing each other for 96 hours, though the union was at least partially successful – they had two children.
While the actress’ career most likely is what lead her to marry Tommy Lee (who had previously been married to Heather Locklear until a scandal with Ron Jeremy), in an odd twist it is the marriage to Lee that lead to the success of “Baywatch” in the long term. In 1997, a sex video of Anderson and Lee was leaked – and this became her most famous film appearance ever. No doubt this video lead to a successful string of re-runs for “Baywatch” and the promotion fo the show in other markets (more on this shortly).
The Fall of the Berlin Wall
The Berlin Wall, a symbol of the Cold War, fell on November 9, 1989 when an announcement was accidentlaly read informing people of East Berlin that they could enter West Berlin. While the wall did not literally “fall” this day, this day is remembered as the tiem when the wall no longer stopped the people from free transit.
David Hasselhoff was best known in America as Michael Knight from “Knight Rider” at this time. But he also had a successful singing career, particularly in Germany. On December 31, 1989, Hasselhoff stood on the Berlin Wall and sang “Looking for Freedom” while encouraging the Berliners to tear down the wall. “It was the first time Germany had been unified, and close to a million East and West German fans stood together in the freezing cold at midnight watching me perform. I was overcome with emotion,” he recalls. With panic similar to Beatlemania, they obliged Hasselhoff. He freely admitted to the press he felt partially responsible for reuniting Germany, and his song became an anthem of the German people for a while. A photo of Hasselhoff on the wall can be seen in the Hard Rock Cafe. “I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Checkpoint Charlie,” says Hasselhoff.
And Hasselhoff not only encouraged the destruction of the wall, but also took part. “After my appearance I hacked away at pieces of the wall that had the black, red and yellow colours of the German flag on it. I kept the big piece for myself and gave the smaller pieces to colleagues at Baywatch.”
Germany was officially reunited on October 3, 1990. This aspect of the Cold War came to an end.
The Collapse of the Soviet Union
The Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, effectively ending the Cold War. While Ronald Reagan is often given credit for this achievement, the real reason is largely debatable.
The Spread of Baywatch
Wikipedia says that Baywatch was “well-received internationally and is said to be the highest-grossing show in syndication worldwide.” Hasselhoff, who was already involved in ending the Cold War, took over as executive producer of this show in 1991 and bought the rights from NBC, making the project all his own. It is under his wing that stars such as Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth became household names. And as stated above, the Anderson sex tape no doubt lead to the notoriety of the Baywatch show worldwide.
The Rise of al-Qaeda
After Osama bin Laden left his Afghan fighters, he began to recruit a whole new type of army: al-Qaeda (which means “the base”). Their rise can be blamed largely on the United States government and David Hasselhoff.
The government trained the Afghans, but then sent them to fight on their own – and once the Cold War was ended had no further use for them. While the Afghans surely appreciated the military support, there must have been some ruffled feathers over being pawns in America’s global war policy.
Hasselhoff helped end the Cold War, as we have said. As the Cold War ended, this created a mass of people trained to fight with a variety of weapons – but no war to fight. Rather than simply give up fighting, the fighters did what any born killers would do: find new enemies.
Throughout the 1990s, Hasselhoff’s “Baywatch” spread into foreign markets and exposed the world to Pamela Anderson’s large breasts and her slow-motion bouncing across the beaches of Los Angeles County. This was particularly offensive to the conservative sensibilities of the muslim world. Bin Laden has often been quoted as saying America is “the Great Satan” and that our sexual freedoms make us the enemy. What defined the sexual excess of the 1990s more than “Baywatch” and Pamela Anderson?
September 11, 2001
Sadly, on September 11, 2001 more than 3000 Americans lost their lives. If Vince Neil had not joined Motley Crue, things might have been different. If Hasselhoff had not been so popular in Germany, we might have been saved. And most of all, if Tommy Lee had not owned a video camera, thousands of lives could have been spared.
Damn you, David Hasselhoff! Damn you, Vince Neil! And damn you, Pamela Anderson’s breasts!!!