This article was last modified on April 28, 2004.


Barton Distilling Company

April 28, 2004

Barton Distilling Company
Barton Road
Bardstown, KY 40004

Whom It May Concern:

As of this moment, I am enjoying a tall glass of Corby’s Reserve Whiskey mixed with Diet Coke, at roughly a 50-50 ratio. I would like to take this time to address three things I really love about your product.

First of all, you provide a smooth beverage for a quality price. I won’t lie to you and sit here and tell you that Corby’s is the greatest tasting whiskey on Earth. It’s not. Jack Daniels is flatly better. Few whiskeys can even compare with JD. But to get that taste you’d have to pay quite the premium, which in my mind doesn’t sit well. Corby’s is still relatively smooth and less than half the price. Who can argue with this?

Now, a popular brand of whiskey – at least around here – is Kessler’s. It is the brand most bars carry for “rail mixers”. The price is roughly the same as Corby’s, but the taste is not nearly as good and often times you will “burn” your throat even at a 75-25 ratio. I’ll drink it if it’s my only choice, but I have slowly learned to go the extra mile to avoid this product.

Finally, there’s Heaven Hill. Without question, this is the worst liquid garbage ever made. It is like someone poured battery acid in a bottle and put a label on it. I tried to mix this stuff like 90-10 and I could not help but feel noticeably queasy. I wouldn’t feed this beverage to my dog or even my friend Seth’s dog. That dog eats unspeakable horrors, but I wouldn’t sink this low. Clearly Corby’s is the superior choice!

My second compliment is that Corby’s succeeds at getting me rip-roaring drunk. About two weeks ago, I was at my friend Kraemer’s apartment enjoying your beverage. We made an all-nighter of it, dancing to German music and beating each other senseless with swords and a croquet mallet. The more I drank, the lighter I felt. I could dance all night. I ended up getting beat really bad and had to excuse myself when I was sucker-punched in the stomach. But after a cigarette, I was back in the game and downing even more of your delicious blend. We made it right on through the morning and visited the local McDonald’s, where they were more than happy to serve us. We were lovin’ it.

I drank more Corby’s again last week at my friend’s apartment, when I celebrated my graduation from the University of Green Bay. I majored in philosophy, where we say “I drink, therefore I am.” My experience with the Corby’s that night was again excellent. My girlfriend had decided to drink vodka instead, though. If she drank the Corby’s, she would have been quite pleased; but this was not to be. She passed out on the kitchen floor and made a mess in her sleep, which spread outward from her head in a gurgling fashion. Kraemer said it best when he said she looked like a gunshot victim.

My final compliment is the lack of hangover. Even at a 50-50 ratio, I have no doubt I will feel strong and have great vigor throughout the day. Your product does not interfere with my sleeping habits, my raging libido, or cause work to be any more of a bear than it already is (for unrelated reasons).

So, thank you, Corby’s! This glass is for you – cheers!

Sincerely,

 

Gavin C. Schmitt
209 E. 17th St.
Kaukauna, WI 54130-3355

Also try another article under Letters to ...
or another one of the writings of Gavin.

One Response to “Barton Distilling Company”

  1. travis Says:

    this is the coolest letter I have ever read. I thought for a minute I might have wrote this letter after I myself had one of my amazing corbys nights. I have been religiously drinking corbys for about 6 years now and your letter describes it to a tee. There is nothing better for the price. I have a collection of bottles that wraps around an entire wall. Its pretty impressive not gonna lie. At least now i know i’m not the only one who thinks its delicious.

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