This article was last modified on March 13, 2008.

All I Need to Know I Learned From Seagal

  1. The proper way to seduce a woman: kiss her, grab her ass, kiss her again, grab her right breast. Repeat as necessary.
  2. If you need a new car, drive up to random Mexicans and tell them the one you’re currently driving is “smoking hot”.
  3. Winning a fight is not enough — you don’t really win until your opponent flies through a glass display case or a coffee table.
  4. If possible it’s best to send the same guy through two different glass displays, coffee tables, or mix and match.
  5. If my enemy is going to send one man to kill me, they’re probably going to send 30.
  6. The best way to attract women is to be in a coma or at least unconscious.
  7. The key to winning elections is to repeat the same empty phrase as often as possible. In this case, the phrase is “you can take it to the bank”. Substitute “support the troops”, “stay the course” or something religious as necessary.
  8. All senators employ an endless amount of thugs to do what probably could have been done by lobbyists.
  9. All police departments have crooked cops, who are crooked simply to fill a quota in the department, not because it actually benefits them in any way.
  10. All flesh wounds can be cured in Chinatown.
  11. Small ponytails never go out of style.
  12. Carrying a gun is pointless, since fists do more damage. Carry one only if you plan to put it away when confronting enemies.
  13. “What does it take to change the essence of a man?” Answer: Time.
  14. Racism against natives isn’t cool.
  15. All oil companies are inherently evil. So are most of their employees, regardless of how low on the food chain they might be.
  16. You wouldn’t like Michael Caine when he’s pissed.
  17. Making backup copies of cassette tapes or floppy disks with crucial evidence? Not necessary!
  18. A pissed-off John C. McGinley, unlike Michael Caine, still comes off as feminine.
  19. “How much money is enough?” Answer: For those who crave money, there is never enough.
  20. Oil refineries will cause women to stop ovulating, or if they do ovulate, they will produce half-human babies (as if they were from Indiana).
  21. “The spirit of the man-bear lives within the smoke.”
  22. If Chinatown is too far away, flesh wounds may also be healed with Eskimo magic.
  23. The mischievous bear would say, “I am a mouse hiding from the hawks in the house of raven.”
  24. No person or animal is so ugly that you can’t sleep with it for $350,000.
  25. “Independent contractor” is a polite way of saying mercenary.
  26. Chinese women can ride horse because they’re “Native American”.
  27. Also try another article under Miscellaneous
    or another one of the writings of Gavin.

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