January 3, 2003
3303 West College Avenue
Appleton, WI 54914
To Whom it May Concern:
I wish to complain about a poor Kinko’s experience I had last night.
At roughly 2:30a.m., my political ally Seth Centner and I went to your store to print off a complaint letter against Burger King for their horribly cold and distant form letters. However, when we arrived you were not open.
This is utterly tragic. The sign specifically says “open 24 hours” and I have had many positive experiences exploiting your willingness to meet my demands and slightest whims at any hour of the night. I have, on multiple occasions, shown up at the same time as the drunks who wished to photocopy pornographic images. I was there to print off copies of chapters of my upcoming book, “All Your Base”. It is a collection of philosophical essays and aphorisms.
Anyway, because of this tragedy, my letter to Burger King did not get sent out today and now must wait for Monday. Who knows? By then, I may not even feel quite as facetiously irate at BK as I am at this moment.
Only two possible reasons exist for your closure. Perhaps your entire staff was still hungover from New Year’s. I find this highly unlikely, though, because after forty-eight hours they would have to be sober unless they died from alcohol poisoning. I know that nobody died from alcohol poisoning, because I read the newspaper. I also know it is impossible to have a better New Year’s than I had, and I still made it to work Friday morning. Early, I might add.
The other excuse is your recent acquisition by Federal Express. Everyone knows that United Parcel Service (UPS) has always been faster than FedEx, and they do it much sexier, too. Nothing gets me riled up quite like the sight of a young man in tight, brown shorts with a matching button-down vest.
I sincerely hope you will be open when I show up to print out this letter.
I look forward to any response you have, and would appreciate an explanation for your closure – shutting out my business and the business of those who probably had legitimate corporate portfolios to make.
Gavin C. Schmitt
209 E. 17th Street
Kaukauna, WI 54130