First and foremost, I want to acknowledge that the greatest acknowledgments ever to appear in print were in Dave Eggers’s aptly titled A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Any attempt to recreate what he put forth would ultimately fail, so I simply won’t.
I would like to thank my father for impregnating my mother, and my mother for having such a fertile womb. She had the chance to give me the coat hangar treatment but didn’t, and I’m also appreciative of that. The next twenty or so years they raised me were also nice, but really I think my most formative time was in the belly listening to the vibrations of REO Speedwagon and Neil Diamond.
Thanks also to my brother, who is a very nice gentleman and has given me a residence for many months as of this writing. And my sister Emily, whom is the best sister anyone could ask for. She never gets in trouble, has a boyfriend I can’t dislike, and makes me more and more proud of her accomplishments every time I see her. (In some ways, I wish I could be more like her.)
I would like to thank my teachers for teaching me how to write, or at least making every effort. No one teacher stands out as an influence on my writing, so I will thank you as a group: teaching is a profession that cannot be praised too highly.
The authors who inspired me, even though most of them are dead: Lewis Carroll, Douglas Adams, Kurt Vonnegut and Noam Chomsky. Fyodor Dostoevsky, Leo Tolstoy, Voltaire, Beaumarchais and all classic authors except Charles Dickens. Or Emily Bronte; you’re not very good, either.
For the ladies in my life who have helped inspire or push me, in no particular order: Robyn Meijer, Jodey Buchberger, Hannah Borg, Emma Marie Post, Tara Desjardins, Taryn Olson, Kate Hermsen, Shannon Tweedie, and many others. For the dudes who inspired me… although you are much fewer and far between. The one who stands out more than all others is Seth Centner, who showed me what writing can be.
For all the fast food I ate while writing this. That may include, but is not limited to: Hardee’s, McDonald’s, Burger King, White Castle, Tom’s Drive In, Dick’s Drive In, JD’s, Popeye’s Chicken, Taco Bell. And especially Wendy’s, because when you are doing well, Kenn’s stock goes up.
To all the Perkins employees who have had me as a customer. You are too many too list.
And also, thank you David Hasselhoff and Chuck Norris. And Tom Cruise. Heck, also Bruce Campbell and Jeffrey Combs.