Here’s a few of my life goals, most of which I’ll probably never achieve.
- Get called a “fucking cunt” (achieved December 31, 2005 thanks to Mandy Bernier)
- Visit the Columbus museum in Columbus, Wisconsin (achieved February 26, 2006)
- See Abby Morgan die (achieved March 2006 thanks to Kristy Goff)
- See a walrus masturbate. (achieved July 3, 2006 via YouTube)
- Get into the Wikipedia (cited in “Occam’s Razor” on September 25, 2006)
- Eat at Moe’s Southwest Grill and order an “Art Vandelay” (achieved January 14, 2008 with Chelsea Z.)
- Eat at a Sonic Burger (achieved January 28, 2008 in Davenport, Iowa)
- See a girl peeing while eating a sandwich (achieved late 2008)
- See a person swallow a hot dog whole (no bun necessary) — (achieved April 15, 2009 via YouTube)
- Witness KMH eat — or at least try — a banana split. — achieved June 17, 2010 at Froggs in Sherwood.
- Publish a book — achieved October 2012.
- Outlive Ariel Sharon — achieved January 11, 2013.
- Find a Fortune Cookie Saying “You Like Chinese Food”
- Get a fatwa issued on me
- Go to Cuba
- Eat chili (preferably warm/hot) from a woman’s foot
- Become physically and/or romantically involved with someone I know to be my cousin
- Hear two gay males having sex, not counting on a video or TV
- Watch Owen Hart die
- Watch Ric Flair die in the ring
- Make pajamas with Denzel Washington’s face screenprinted on them
- Touch a congressman’s daughter (not necessarily mine nor the current one)
- Attend a They Might Be Giants concert
- Kick director Richard Kelly
Goals I Wish I Had…
Sometimes things happen to me that are pretty awesome, but they weren’t life goals. These things ought to have been goals… so, in honor of these things, I offer a hall of fame for those which didn’t make the list:
- Become the Godfather for a Jewish child. (Achieved February 2007 thanks to Manda Wells)