My Life Goals

Here’s a few of my life goals, most of which I’ll probably never achieve.

1. Get called a “fucking cunt” (achieved December 31, 2005 thanks to Mandy Bernier)
2. Visit the Columbus museum in Columbus, Wisconsin (achieved February 26, 2006)
3. See Abby Morgan die (achieved March 2006 thanks to Kristy Goff)
4. See a walrus masturbate. (achieved July 3, 2006 via YouTube)
5. Get into the Wikipedia (cited in “Occam’s Razor” on September 25, 2006)
6. Eat at Moe’s Southwest Grill and order an “Art Vandelay” (achieved January 14, 2008 with Chelsea Z.)
7. Eat at a Sonic Burger (achieved January 28, 2008 in Davenport, Iowa)
8. See a girl peeing while eating a sandwich (achieved late 2008)
9. See a person swallow a hot dog whole (no bun necessary) — (achieved April 15, 2009 via YouTube)
10. Witness KMH eat — or at least try — a banana split. — achieved June 17, 2010 at Froggs in Sherwood.
11. Publish a book — achieved October 2012.
12. Outlive Ariel Sharon — achieved January 11, 2013.
13. Find a Fortune Cookie Saying “You Like Chinese Food”
14. Get a fatwa issued on me
15. Go to Cuba
16. Eat chili (preferably warm/hot) from a woman’s foot
17. Become physically and/or romantically involved with someone I know to be my cousin
18. Hear two gay males having sex, not counting on a video or TV
19. Watch Owen Hart die
20. Watch Ric Flair die in the ring
21. Make pajamas with Denzel Washington’s face screenprinted on them
22. Touch a congressman’s daughter (not necessarily mine nor the current one)
23. Attend a They Might Be Giants concert
24. Kick director Richard Kelly

Goals I Wish I Had…

Sometimes things happen to me that are pretty awesome, but they weren’t life goals. These things ought to have been goals… so, in honor of these things, I offer a hall of fame for those which didn’t make the list:

1. Become the Godfather for a Jewish child. (Achieved February 2007 thanks to Manda Wells)

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