My Life Goals

Here’s a few of my life goals, most of which I’ll probably never achieve.

1. Get called a “fucking cunt” (achieved December 31, 2005 thanks to Mandy Bernier)
2. Visit the Columbus museum in Columbus, Wisconsin (achieved February 26, 2006)
3. See Abby Morgan die (achieved March 2006 thanks to Kristy Goff)
4. See a walrus masturbate. (achieved July 3, 2006 via YouTube)
5. Get into the Wikipedia (cited in “Occam’s Razor” on September 25, 2006)
6. Eat at Moe’s Southwest Grill and order an “Art Vandelay” (achieved January 14, 2008 with Chelsea Z.)
7. Eat at a Sonic Burger (achieved January 28, 2008 in Davenport, Iowa)
8. Find a Fortune Cookie Saying “You Like Chinese Food”
9. Publish a book
10. Get a fatwa issued on me
11. Outlive Ariel Sharon
12. Go to Cuba
13. Eat chili (preferably warm/hot) from a woman’s foot
14. Become physically and/or romantically involved with someone I know to be my cousin
15. Hear two gay males having sex, not counting on a video or TV
16. Watch Owen Hart die
17. Watch Ric Flair die in the ring
18. See a girl peeing while eating a sandwich
19. See a person swallow a hot dog whole (no bun necessary)
20. Make pajamas with Denzel Washington’s face screenprinted on them
21. Witness Keeshia Hoefer eat — or at least try — a banana split.
22. Touch a congressman’s daughter (not necessarily mine nor the current one)
23. Attend a They Might Be Giants concert

Goals I Wish I Had…

Sometimes things happen to me that are pretty awesome, but they weren’t life goals. These things ought to have been goals… so, in honor of these things, I offer a hall of fame for those which didn’t make the list:

1. Become the Godfather for a Jewish child. (Achieved February 2007 thanks to Manda Wells)

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